if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
