I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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