We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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