i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
