I could make wine with my vomit
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
