with your own penis?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
