I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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