Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
