Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
