A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
