Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm passing your future prison.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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