I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
