yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
