He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
