My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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