Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
