Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
