One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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