The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
