That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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