I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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