What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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