i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
