Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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