Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
In America we eat man semen.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
