I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
