I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
