Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
