hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
