Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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