On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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