Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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