I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
