My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
