Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
