I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
