now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
