My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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