i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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