Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
