I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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