I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
