I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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