dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
