Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
