I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
