just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I fill condoms, not promises.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I smell like Dick and happiness
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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