Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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