the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
