Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
