Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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