So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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