i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
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