I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
