new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
