I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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