im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
