I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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