I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
