yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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