I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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