dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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