It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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