I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
