I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
