So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Randomize
